Manwhile at the station
by Uuuuh-Muffins
Summary: 3 individuals and one crazy guy with multiple personalities are left behind during the human retreat. The four unlikely partners embark on a quest of epic 'Discoveries' and 'fun' as they figure out a way to get off this god forsaken rock. This story is of epic preportion and contains humour that will make you laugh, cry, and facepalm because it's so utterly stupid.
1. Chapter 1

Chapter 1: Warning, Hi-UV level

The silver polish of Stan's unobtainium duel desert eagles glistened in the pandoran beach sunlight

"Yeeeeesssshhhh, Yeeeeessshhh. Mr Capsicles, you hunger for blue space cat don't you?... Yeeeesh yesshh"

"How about you talk to my guns Stanley?!" noted a rather ditzy 'needing' woman.

"Leeeeeeth us alonez …. Jaimessssssssss"

"Awwww but honey buns …. When you're like this I'm so turned on."

"I don't wantz the aidzzzz"

Meanwhile a little further up the beach, by the 'inconspicuous' base 'hidden' by the beach, a man was running along the shoreline, screaming like a little bitch sending lit fuel all over the place.

"ARRRRRGGGGHHH, FUCKING ALIEN JELLYFISH! I SWEAR ONCE I GET YOU OFF MY LEG I WILL EAT THE CRAP OUT OF YOU!"

The jellyfish just looked at him like only a jellyfish can… emotionlessly while shocking him with a few thousand volts of electricity.

"Man up you capitalist pig. In soviet Russia I electrocute jellyfish, with my bare hands and a pine cone." Growled a course Russian voice muffled behind a modified cold war era Russian gas mask. "You need stroganoff, makes you a man!" he said this while flexing in a body builder fashion. "You should stop intercoursing the local wildlife, Sven"

Still screaming Sven managed to pipe. "Ha at least I don't eat barf for a living"

"That's stroganoff … and it's delicious, better than your fatty hungry jacks." Feeling a little pissed

A sarcastic laugh irradiated from the screams, along with the cries of a flame thrower, "you know I had a weight problem." Running back up the beach leg now swelling up. "Arrrrrgh!" Aiming the flame thrower at his leg, jellyfish failing to burn.

"You know I have something that can fix that?"

"WHY DIDN'T YOU FUCKEN TELL ME BEFORE! GIVE ME, NOW!" running towards the somehow grinning gasmask.

"HELP ME NOW DANALOV!"

"Sure." He grinned opening a packet of freeze-dried stroganoff. Slowly preparing the packet he started to eat it, slowly, Sven screaming in pain. Spitting back in the bag he poured it over the jellyfish.

A gagging jellyfish quickly dislodged itself and shrivelled up.

"Stroganoff is good." Danalov laughed while Sven shrieked trying to remove the freeze dried gunk

Night began to dawn and the four 'left overs' relaxed on the contraband deck chairs of the long gone army, so far no one had come back for them and nothing had come looking for them. And to make matters worse they were starting to run low on food. BUT FUCK RATIONING MRE'S! (Meals Ready to Eat.) Luckily they were surrounded by blue space cats, which make good eatin (people would consider this cannibalism … if the victims were human). None the less, the four humans were lying on deck chairs drinking the infinite amount of confiscated beer.

The most peculiar thing about this group of four unlikely heroes was the way Danalov drunk alcohol. While the other three drunk it in the regular way; Lift off mask, take a sip, replace mask, breathe easy. Now Danalov on the other hand had a mystical party trick handed down generation to generation in his family.

"How the fuck do you do that!" Sven was still mystified.

Danalov was drinking through a straw through his mask!

"That is an ancient Litgoth family tradition no one will know of my ancient wonder." Danalov laughed "Eating my stroganoff is the only way I'll tell … well the first step anyway." Laughing harder

"I'll eat your stroganoff … if you get my drift." Said Jaime winking in search for a lustful friend.

They all stared at Jaime eyeing her to stop as for the past few months this had been happening constantly. At first it was funny, and Stan was even considering it for a while.

* Comic Flashback Waves *

"_Yeeeeeeeesh yeeeeeeesh"_

"_So you wanna see, eh" _

_*zip*_

"_NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOSH NOOOOOOOOOOOOSH!"_

Danalov was the first to stop staring and went back to annoying the rest of the stranded with his useless skills (drinking, shooting, insulting and tactics … and a very bad armature novelist."

_OH BEYOND THE GARDEN OF THE PENGUINS CRY_ Worst selling novel in human history, Although very popular with the Na'vi population, with its simple writing and multitude of bad clichés.

At the moment Danalov was preparing a foam dome and curiously drinking it through his filter while opening his laptop to write his next monstrosity.

* Inside the beautiful mind of a Russian soldier* (Uuuuh-muffins [no approval from Lost Guy])

_The two Na'vi's and humans eyes met, guns aimed at each other. Their eyes locked, hearts flourished. _

"_Why are we doing this" _

_At that moment they knew what they had to do_

_They put their AK-47's in their pockets and pashed with lust while dry humping the shit out of each other._

* End of File *

These months alone have been making his writing worse…. They all knew that, but it was fresh literature none the less.

Stan was back to polishing his guns (without Jaime's help).  
"Oh Mr. Capsicles I love you Shoooooooooooo muchsh"

* Back Story*

Stanly J. Mason Used to be a respected officer in the occupying military and also was part of the Avatar program he was highly respected in the outer colonies and had made peace and mining deals on other continents of the planet. But during a routine visit to an outer colony he was offered to drink tea containing some sort of purplely leaf with yellow blotches. HE HAD THE BEST FUCKING TRIP OF HIS LIFE! The next morning he woke and the evacuation crew moved his Avatar back to main base and while he waited he chilled by the sea side. Two days later he was screaming "I WANT A FUCKING CHEESE SANDWHICH WITH JELLYWINKLES!" Little did they know that there were no such thing as jelly-winkles and spent three months searching before he was deemed clinically insane.

So for the next year he was contained in the brig until suitable transport or accommodation could be made.

When the humans left Pandora, he was stuck in the brig for three days before the three other members returned from long range patrols after loss of radio contact. Jaimie found him first ... at that point she wasn't so lustful as sexy hunk men to her knowledge were readily available.

They did find it strange no one was at the base but they had protocols in place for such an event. If there is a loss of radio contact for 24 hours return to base, if no one is at base contact command, if no one is at command …. Ration food and hold out till help arrives.

Now the three other members were standing around the cage listening to the random gibberish and praise thrust upon them. At first they fed him. He snatched it like a rabid animal and ate it like food was a liquid (in this case it was). At that point he went to bed with a smile. He knew he was getting out they needed him, he knew what happened to everyone and he was an extra hand for foraging.

Five days had passed each day smiling as he knew his time would come. Finally the doors opened on the 6th day. He walked out and sat on a bench, looking at the old guard's two shiny custom made desert eagles. Oh he had been eyeing them off for a while. 15 minutes later the other three walked in to see Stan with two desert eagles on his lap saying "OOOOOH Mr. Capsicles How I've come to lovesh yoush!"

They stared at him worried he would kill them but he smiled and thanked them and went back to stroking his guns. Slowly they asked him what happened here and Stan ended up telling them his life story and donating his services for a peanut butter and sardine sandwich and a jar of mayonnaise. Slowly they all became unexpected friends.

Sven was an accident prone sniper, he was never any good at sniping, but he was REALLY good at burning things, killing and making things. He moves from the sniper division and into the special weapons division where when he picked up a flame thrower he showed great skill (by burning everything that stood in his path). He also hosted a carving class although most of the time they were carving phallic symbols as he called it 'the greatest form of art' even though most of the images they drew off were of his own 'design'. That's how he got the call sign 'Macgyver'

Jaime … well she's the village harlot … I don't think I can say anymore.

*End Back Story*

"THE CAT ON SHE MAT IS BLACK, THE CAT ON SHE MAT IS BLACK" Stan repeated to himself over and over again rocking.

Sven got up and sighed "I'll hit him with 'the stick'" ('The stick' a broom made from a large log with strange smelling purple and yellow leaves.)

For some reason Stan calmed when he was hit with the leaves. He tried to drink a tea made from 'the stick' and ended up in medbay 6 for ten days in an induced coma and a dialysis machine. Untrained personnel nearly killed him. Thank god for documentation.

As was Stan being returned to his chair by Sven, Jaime and Danalov looked up at the stars

"You know I might have liked you, you didn't come on so strong?"

"Really? You mean there's a chance?" Jaime calmly asked.

"Well yeah, I mean you're a nice gal, just calm down or get yourself something that will." Danalov paused for a second "You know, I know someone who would be able to help you."

"It's Sven isn't it." Unimpressed "I already have a 'friend'."

"Ok, ok, I'll think of something else."

They continued to look up at the stars. "Why do we continue to do this." Jaime piped up. "Why don't we just end it now… they're not coming back!"

Danalov was shocked to hear this, this scared him. He grabbed her and screamed "DON'T YOU EVER THINK THINGS LIKE THAT AGAIN!"

"Then fuck me!"

"…"

*Drop*

Donalov sighed, wondering when she would learn you don't pick up nice guys like that.

*beep, beep, beep* the Russians watch went haywire.

Yelling to the others danalov cried "GUYS FOG IN 10! Let's return to base"

*Technical details*

In this part of Pandora every 13.6 hours a fogs rolls over the beaches and trees of the east coast of this particulate continent. This fog is basically a naturally occurring version of a high concentration nerve gas. Impossible to see and breath, a fully cleaned filter would barely last ten seconds before the gas would slowly and gradually build in your lungs. If you can make it to a hospital without breathing too much, doctors or trained military personnel can flood your lungs with a neutralisation agent preventing any further damage. Although this is not the only technique it is far the most efficient even though it can take anywhere from 2 – 10 weeks to recover.

This is also a reason for the low numbers of Tree Na'vi and the high number of cliff residing Na'vi which in this particular section have taken to farming. During the occupation (and Stan's sanity) a deal was brokered, seeds for a patch of barren land containing no plant or animal life. Along with this deal came the first warning of the fogs. This land had been labelled a dead zone by both the Na'vi and Humans due to the density of the fog that washes through towards the trees.

This was the only Officially brokered mining site on that continent although the site was rich in unobtainium it barely accounted for a thousandth of the total collected from conquered territories

Due to the main base for the planet being overrun each base was forced to evacuate conquered or not as this was the relay station for all intergalactic radio traffic and food production (generally artificial).

*End technical details*


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2: Late Night Fun and Games

Every night it was the same. You go to sleep, Jaime tries to rape you. They tried to lock the doors but everyone knew the master key (thank you lazy administrator). So everybody had designed a thanator leather chastity belt (tough luck cutting through that Jaime). Everybody except Jaime and Stan (the only one crazy enough not to). Stan didn't need a chastity belt. "Mr. Capsicles OOOOOH I LOVE SHOOOOES" He had his two desert eagles funnily enough both named the same. He never slept, in constant search of his toasted cheese and jellywinkles. Due to this complication of anyone getting anywhere near any of the Mr. Capsicles Jaime kept away … bored senseless. But tonight would be different.

In the middle of the night when Jaime was asleep the walking Mr. Capsicles entered the room with the growth of Stan attached to them.

"Wake up Jaime." A desert eagle pointed at her head and a hand covering her mouth "Let's play a game."

He taped a sock to her mouth and tied up her hands while dragging her to the mess hall

"Oh Sven, open up baby"

Sven stirred from his sleep expecting it to be a drunk Jaime but he heard the voice again… "Stan …. What does he want?" he opened the door "What do you wa-"

The butt of a desert eagle hit his head. Out cold.

Lastly was Danalov he wasn't an easy catch. He's quick on his feet, and has cat like reflexes.

He needed something FUN!

Heading down the hall he reached an emergency med kit, removed the syringe, filled it with morphine and casually walked towards his room.

*knock, knock, knock*

"Jaime if it's about sex, the key is hidden where you'll never find it (Jaime's bedroom)."

"It's me your crazy neighbourhood loony tune."

"Oh it's you, hold on."

Danalov unlocked the door

"What?" Danalov exclaimed

"Shoe lace inspector!"

"I'm not wearing shoes." Looking down

Slice, insert, squeeze

"Arrrrg what the fuck did you do to me!"

"HEHE, you gotta chase me to find out."

As Danalov chased after Stan the blood containing the morphine surged through his veins. Slowly turning his harsh nut shell to jelly with peanuts and cans of tuna inside it.

"Heeeeeeey…. Thaaat was pretty good, what was it?"

"Morphine …. Now follow me."

"Alright, magic pixie unicorn microwave."

Leading the drugged Danalov to the mess hall, he smiled thinking about how all too easy it was. Inside the mess hall was this list of people; Sven, Jaime in the wrong type of bondage she dreamed about, the now drugged Danalov and Garry the smallest bird on Pandora which was the size of large parrot.

Stan ripped the duct tape off Jaime's mouth. She was too scared to speak and was focused on tugging on the handcuffs attached to the table. Danalov was now being led to the table where Jaime was seated and was handcuffed directly across from her. Sven was hand cuffed to the table with the bird opposite to it. The bird as confused as the others.

Stan slapped Sven awake.

"Mum it's not Christmas!" he yelled. He looked around " why am I here?" soon noticing the handcuffs. "WHAT IS THIS!"

"MY BIRTHDAY!" Blowing one of those annoying noise making things.

"What the FUCK!" Jaime yelled."

"For my birthday I want you to play chess. … I want my friends to have the BEST FUN EVAR! AHAHAHAHA THE FUN HAS BEEN DOUBLED!"

"WHY DIDN'T YOU JUST FUCKING ASK!" Sven pissed as fuck.

"What's the sport in that eh! None the less, the person opposite you is your opponent. By the way the people who don't play will be shot in the leg." Smiling, Revealing two chess boards. He started to set them up. All Sven could do is stare at the parrot. _I'm fucked_.

"Start the games!"

Sven moved the first piece _…. Fucking parrot's going to die_. Jaime on the other hand was waiting for Danalov to move but he was too high to know what the difference between a duck and a book is. This led to her playing a game of chess with herself without a king as a happy Russian was playing with it. This went on for a while; Jaime playing against herself and Sven waiting for the parrot to move.

"TIMES UP… GOOD GAMES EVERYBODY, ESSPECIALLY YOU GARRY!"

The parrot squarked

"I would let the games run longer but we have a cake to cut." He started to unlock all the cuffs. Then left the room and brought in a massive black forest cake.

"WHAT … HOW!" Jaime gasped.

"What? You've never heard of cooking!?" he joked "Now dig in!"

The cake was good!


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3: Day after Day but the Next

Yet again every day was the same as every night, same order same everything.

Everyone woke at 6 am waits for the fog to completely clear and exit out into the sunlight with the reflection of the water on their visors.

"Camera's on?" Stan said quite chilled from his birthday last night.

"Camera's on!" replied both Danalov and Sven wishing they could stay inside for the day, instead of the regular chores they had to do.

The four of them have chores they have to complete in the first half of the day, fog permitting. Each duty is as important as the last.

Jaime: radio operator trying to contact main base and surrounding vessels in orbit around the planet. Each day to no success, today is no different.

Stan: May be crazy but he still has an expert knowledge of the computer systems and hence why he is in charge of computer equipment and servicing. Along with this duty comes the recording and storage of expeditions

Sven: Expedition member 1 his job is to forage for plants that are possible to eat and bring them back to the lab for toxicity test, he's found a few but they taste like donkeys piss (thank you tomato sauce)

Danalov: Catch and kill. His trusty ak-74 is his ally. His job is to catch small edible prey, and over the past few months ….

[insert imaginary image of him running from a thanator]

… he's gotten pretty good at sneaking around the larger animal, and killing them….

[insert imaginary image of him punching a thanator with a hand grenade]

… Member 2 is a valuable asset

"Entering forest, Gotta stream Stan?" Sven asked

"Roger, that. Gotta stream and a slice of black forest cake ready and waiting."

"Record"

"right well I'll need to get my camera"

"… not the cake, idiot"

"Roger that… MAYDAY MAYDAY NEED MORE WHIPPED CREAM!"

"just press record smart ass! Now don't you go all Gollum on me again … remember last time."

*Dreamy hunk memory waves*

"_Yeeeeeesh yeeeeeeesh, bring the jellywinkles. Their mine, all mine, my precious!"_

*That hunky guy was an ugly chick in disguise*

"BUT THE JELLYWINKLES LOVE YOUSH!"

*click* ears off *click, click, click* Daft Punk's, Face to Face, starts to play over his ear piece.

Sven was really into 'classic'(as at this point in the future) artists

And headed off foraging.

Danalov on the other hand was busy stalking a gecko like thing the size of a car. His ak-74 was very personal to him, although in the pandoran air it needed to be cleaned more often he still used it as it was his belief you truly can't love a gun unless you use it. Outfitted with a laser sight and engraved on the side the words Heartbreaker it was his favourite weapon from the old world. Although he would have loved to have an extended clip, it was for the best he didn't as it made sneaking around much harder.

At also to his despise Stan was yapping in his ear the entire time,and was starting to get gollumy again. "NOOOOO I NEED WHIPPED CREAM, WAIT I NEED ZEEE PRESHHHHIOUS MORESH" Yeah not a good sign when the already equally insane guy is insane. When you think about it, when is it ever?

After stalking his prey for half a day, He took it down, five shots to the head, dead. It would take the rest of the day to drag it back to the base.

He had gained quite a lot of muscle mass doing this, and ruined a few filters. Three quarters of the way back. *crack* *ears perked up* _please be a thanator please be a thanator. _he turned around …. Fuck …. Blue space cat…. He wasn't equip to take down a Na'vi nor take it in hand to hand combat. A stare down erupted between the two, Try reasoning? No too much risk. Try fighting? The same. Only one option ….. run!

"Stan Jaime, I have a Space Monkey on the loose please advise, repeat please advise, equip for small targets. I repeat advise."

He ran faster and faster … soon realising the Na'vi was tracking him, not hunting him. He would be dead already if so.

"She's tracking me, Please advise"

A static laced hud appeared on his visor with a british tea drinking Stan. _this was fresh._

"Roger that, Sir, open your map and state coordinates."

"5 km north—west of the base"

"Ok head 1 km south and 5 km east, A care package will be there for you. You have to hold out."

*radio clicked off*

"Well Jaime old chap fuel a chopper. After this flight we'll be in lock down."

Jaime the only fully trained pilot on the base prepared a chopper alone. While she rushed skipping many of the safety precautions, Stan packed a care package mainly consisting of cheese, crackers and English tea (imported from new india). They had tried to call up Sven on the radio but no response.

"Let's just hope he gets back."

"Rightio coolirino." Stan now thought he was in a sitcom. A really bad sitcom.

"Prelaunch checks completed, Ready for lift off."

"BLAST IT BABY!"

"Prepare masks!, OPEN LAUNCH DOORS."

Two three foot think doors steel opened above them opening, inviting a flow of pandoran gasses to flow through the oxygenated room.

"Gun it sexy."

The controls were pushed to the max as they lifted off to relevant coordinates.

"So what was that about sexy." She said with a wink, narrowly avoiding a tree.

"Uhhh nothing…." Eyes going shifty.

"Oh I know you want me."

"LOOK THE FUCK OUT!" missing yet another tree. "I don't want to be an afternoon snack." Being serious for the first time in a while. "Just keep your eyes on the prize, eh"

She stared at his junk, "Oh fucking give me the controls" Stan wasn't a pilot, nor familiar with the upgraded systems but none the less he had a basic knowledge of how the system worked.

She wasn't giving up the controls. "I'll let you give me a handjob" She was out in 2 seconds flat.

"After you my lord."

_Ahhhh fuck what have I done!_

"Keep flying honey, we're almost there."

"Yes I know I'm not an idiot."

The LZ was a small clearing near the beach that was originally going to be used for the entrance to the base but was rejected due to the large amounts of hostile creatures that inhabited that general area. Although not much different to the current area, It was still considered a reasonable change.

"thermal's picking up anything sexy."

"No dear" wearily eyeing the top of his frilly panties.

"Then drop the cargo, we have to setup Temp-base 3,"

"Bombs away. You jump too jaimikins. I'll stay here and wait for that Na'vi bitch."

"Roger that cupcake, I would use the electromagnet later."

"Ok just jump there's not much time"

Back at the main base Sven was back with a new plant species for testing, and it smelt good, like buttery popcorn. Walking to the chemlab he switch back on his radio _ch. 65_ "hey guys I'm home and you should check this plant out smells fucking amazing."

Static

"Guy's?"

*static* *Click* "Hello this is your recorded message the following person "STAN!" has left a message for "the evil mastermind Sven" concerning "My sexy whereabouts" Say "PENGUIN-BRISTLE" to listen."

"Uh … penguin-bristle?"

"Good evening Staney buddy old pal … how ya going sexy… anyway long story short … Russian is chased by blue cat chick, I'm british and we're going to save his ass. Hope to see you at the beta site. Hope to see you soon … love Stanley ….. douche!"

_That guy has some serious problems. _

"QUICK GET THIS GOD DAM BASE UP!" He was now an army commander.

Danalov had already done three wide circle loops … the Na'vi was bored, but knew the rewards would be great in the end.

_Should I just kill him now and bring back the body … or should I wait a little longer. _ The Na'vi thought to herself, eagerly handling her bow. But she didn't have to wait long. Just as the Na'vi prepared an arrow *Streak* Danalov ran at full pace towards the beta site.

"I hope you have that generator working else this is going to be a short stay."

"It's up, It's up just get in here."

This guy was fast … now she was having trouble catching up.

"ready with the doorstop?" panting as he ran.

"Oh yeah, she won't know what hit her."

moonlight was dead ahead, beckoning like a beacon in the night seas.

Released into the breeze

"NOW!"

"The whirr of the minigun (doorstop) filled the surrounding air.

The Na'vi Burst into the moonlight.

"die bitch."

Bullets rained around the shocked Na'vi causing her to flee into the forest the chopper right on her heels, bullets firing from its minigun and targeting via heat signatures

The bullets stopped … silence was all around her. Curious whether or not this was a trap she climbed to the top of a tree and watched as the helicopter disappeared backing into the night sky.

Why did this happen… they had her, she was going to die. She thought this until she looked around ….

_Oh no, the fog. _

_Rolling over the land was the infamous red fog… told to deal an unspeakable amount of pain before killing you._

Either way she was going to die … it was inevitable. Standing at the top of the tree she felt the last cool breeze wash past her face. the fog rolled in past through the first layer of trees. The second, and 189th and then hers. The resulting wave of gas washed up the tree into her nose causing her to gag and cling to the tree for dear life … but death did not come … instead she was tortured with agonising pain throughout the night. Her screams heard by no one.

Only when morning comes will she be able to have her revenge. But until then she must try to sleep. Plotting her revenge on the humans that destroy her and her land.

Until then both sides … quietly, peacefully, painfully


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4: The cold shoulder

Jake Sully was relaxing in a leaf hammock. This has been the first day in months he's had a day off. Hell whatever was happening out there he didn't care … not one bit … this was his day off … his only day off… and tomorrow he would resume his duties.

On the outskirts of his clan a broken and wheezing Na'vi stumbled across the border of his clan and collapsed.

Three hours passed before a group of young hunters stumbled upon this cliff residing Na'vi

One word passed from her raspy voice "Humans"

She fainted her blood stained on her hands

"Jake Sully there is something you must see." Neytiri exclaimed

"Can it wait?"

"No, Jake it can't."

"Very well, show me"

As Jake was led down the tree by Neytiri, he noticed many others were already heading down there. What this was must have been big.

On the ground underneath the new home tree, lay a sleeping female Na'vi.

"Who is she?"

"We do not know. We have asked Eywa to save her, but many fear it is too late."

"What happened?"

"The Red fogs of the east have taken her body. Nothing can be done to save her except a blessing by Eywa."

Jake stared at the sleeping raspy Na'vi, she was quite pretty, although Neytiri would kill him if she knew that (forgive me Eywa). Jake looked at the hunters who brought her to the camp site.

"Has she said anything."

"Yes, Jake Sully. 'Humans'"

Jakes heart went cold then boiled with rage, splitting it in half.

"This can't be possible they all left after the attack"

"No, there are more!" the Na'vi was awake. Her speech obviously causing great pain. "The beach … to the east where the fog meets the sand."

She sighed and fell unconscious.

Not willing to lose another life to a human, Jake requested a herbalist take care of the woman while he investigated this issue. Calling upon his warriors he prepared an expedition to the East shores and the cliff dwelling Na'vi. Sending a message ahead of his party, the cliff Na'vi were requested to find and seek out their dwelling but not to be seen. They had succeeded.

Within a few days they had received a reply and the party set forth with the base in their sites

"They're likely a lot tougher than the Average soldier so at the first sign of attack …. Kill them!"

"AWWW, gross, Stan don't each your snot. It's not good."

"awwww, but it goes so good with curry."

Stan was a lot more sensible now… well as long as you let him disintegrate Thanators with a minigun. And it was a welcome relief for everybody. Not only that but instead of getting others to do his searching for the mysterious jellywinkle he started doing it himself, in the process bringing home poisonous and dangerous gifts for Sven.

"Arrrrrg get that fucking jellyfish away from me." Stealing Danalovs stroganoff and pouring it over the disappointed jellyfish.

Danalov Laughed, he couldn't be happier his lunch was gone.

All this laughter would be short lived as this would be the last day of peace for quite a while.

That night they sat under the stars and thought about the future and how they would get home. These masks they wear had become second nature to them. Some nights when the fog floods the day they would lay under the stars with a fresh filter and a beer and drift off to sleep. But sadly tonight was not one of those nights the first one to leave was Sven.

"I'm off to bed … and my filters running out. I'll see you guys tomorrow"

"Goodnight Sven" Jaime smiled … this time being legitimate

Slowly one by one they all returned to their quarters to sleep. That was the best decision they all made for the next day would be chaotic.

Simulated daylight woke Sven in his quarters and they set to work, sure the Na'vi had died with their secret.

Danalov had gone back to get his kill the day after, so meat was plentiful. So he assisted Sven with foraging. This time nothing was found but they did have a nice lunch as they ate some lizards that resembled geckos.

The afternoon ended with a swim at the beach, Sven cautious to get in the water due to the plethora of jellyfish and how they loved his leg.

As night dawned they lay on their deck chairs and smiled unbeknownst that 21 Na'vi had been watching them for the past two hours.

The sounds of bows stretching surrounded them. Drawing their weapons, They saw how pointless the situation was.

Stan dropped his weapon

"What? I'm not crazy!"

"Give up there is no chance of surviving this many of us." Jake Sully dropped from the trees

"You're the traitor."

"Careful about what you say. You're next words could land you in the ground. Now drop them!"

The four 'left overs' surrendered


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5: I've got my eye on you!

All four of the of those nasty pieces of chicken nobody wants covered in oil at the bottom of the box (the humans) were tied up like pigs and strapped to those flying chicken bird things… no one knew what these were (and neither does the author :P ) and no one wanted to know.

Everyone was having a shitty night, well everyone except Stan who at the moment had the personality of a five year old girl and was screaming in delight and biting the birds tail … who in turn felt like ripping off his head and tearing out his entrails … but human tasted bad and she wasn't very hungry.

It took 22 hours for Jake and his crew of 21 Na'vi to reach the home tree, carrying the four humans and a whole heap of filters to a group of vines. "These vines," Jake said while tying them around their arms. "will tighten with stress and movement." Shaking their hands in demonstration. "Now tell me who you are and why you've returned?"

Stan started cracking up, and and crying with laughter, causing his hands to go purple, vines tightening harder and harder.

"What's so funny?"

"HAHAHHAHA, you think we're here on this god forsaken planet by choice. Please don't flatter yourself. I'd rather be at home drinking an asparagus smoothie reading 'hipster car computers' monthly."

That fucked Jakes theory.

"We just want to get off this fucking rock." Hands about to be cut in half from the strangling vines "You have no idea how much we want to get home, we've been trying to send a signal out for months."

Jake was stunned. "So you don't want to dig up the ground."

"HAHAHHA, you serious? I'd rather be shot in the foot and discharged than be a miner."

"Can you help us?" Sven had finally said a word. This had caught Jake by surprise as everything else had. He considered this for a while and replied with one simple sentence.

"Why did you attack that Na'vi." The sudden shock that she survived stunned the castaways.

"Oh … she was chasing after one of our own. We just wanted to survive till we find a way out of this shithole."

This offended many of the warriors some drawing their knifes to punish these intruders. But Jake held them back.

"Ok say you're telling the truth, how do you suppose I help you. All shuttles and intergalactic craft are off this planet. And I don't think they'll comeback for a few more years. So what do you propose smart guy." His face was right up to the nose of Jake.

"Well… uhhhh…."

"Leave them here for a few days. The only thing they eat or drink is water." Then he came close and whispered. "You better be telling the truth." He spun around and walked off back to his hammock …

_I'm taking two days off now_ .

He sighed wishing he didn't have to intimidate them, but that was the only way

Day 1:

"HOW MUCH IS THAT DOGGY IN THE WINDOW …. THE ONE WITH THE WAGGLY TAIL …. HOW MUCH IS THAT DOGGY IN THE WINDOW …. I DO HOPE THAT DOGGY'S FOR SALE!"

This went on for the first eight hours of the day, causing one of the Na'vi to get a migraine and the other to have a seizure. All the Na'vi were certain this was witchcraft but Jake just laughed his ass off, explaining it was an old childrens song from earth. Everyone agreed Stan's singing was baaaaaaaaaaad.

By the time he stopped singing they had finished filtering the water of natural toxins, well only the ones the human body couldn't handle. Untying an arm each, four Na'vi guards handed them a bowled leaf containing purified water.

"Thank Eywa Jake likes you." A guard said to Sven.

_He likes me …. I didn't get that impression at all_

Sven graciously accepted the water and drunk heavily from it.

Then night came. While all the Na'vi were out having fun, the others looked up at the stars and tried to get to sleep. Stan was already asleep from his exhausting medley of 'The doggy song' as the Na'vi would call it.

Day 2:

Stan was still sleeping…

Sven on the other hand was playing will a bug that crawled down his arm. A guard came over to see what he was doing.

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING THAT'S THE DEATHDRAW ONE DROP OF VENOM CAN KILL ONE THOUSAND NA'VI."

Sven screamed waking the sleeping Stan."

"ha ha ha" he said awkwardly "it's just a dingmoth"

Sven looked at the guard dully as the guard walked away chuckling to himself.

Unknown to the soldiers Jake was looking down on them from the top of the tree. Studying every move they made.

"What do you think?" neytiri asked.

"they are no threat to us." And if they are we'll just kill them.

"And what about their request for help."

"well we'll have to find a way wont we.

The third day arrived and they all awoke to the sound of them being cut down. Neytiri was standing in front of them piercing into their eyes.

"Come! Jake wishes to see you."

The four lost soldiers were led at guard point through the centre of the home tree and up some internal stairs. While all this was happening Sven asked Neytiri about what happened … they had vague logs on the base but they didn't really tell much. This surprised the beautiful Na'vi that a human … of the mining corporation didn't know what happened. But none the less she explained about their triumphant victory with pride and honour. She explained beyond the war and why the stairs were built in the tree at such a small height … the height of a human step. She explained two humans remained behind as the rest left Pandora and how they are honorary 'citizens' among the Na'vi population. Every tribe leader across the planet has these two heros.

This interested three of the four humans but the other one … Stan was too preoccupied looking at the slide designed for the kids who run up and down the stairs.

"Oh yeah and we have a slide."

That pushed stan over the edge. He jumped, slid then stopped with a guard grabbing him around the neck. The other three facepalmed ….

"forgive him … he's special." Sven said.

"I could tell." she said sarcastically.

Going another god knows how many levels (if trees have levels) they reached a small (in this case large) room containing a hand grown desk and squid ink pens.

"A little something I kept from my humanity, although if I could, I would never sit down again."

Jake was at the table etching a carving patterns into it.

"Oh I don't do paper work I make tables and give them as gifts to tribe leaders. We have one coming in a week, the leader of the Na'vi you injured."

Sven twitched

"But I have convinced her leader to spare your life … for I have a job for you and possibly your way off Pandora." Jake paused "One of my friends …. Max has been slowly uncovering secrets and bases hidden from our site … we have found everything from antibiotics to nuclear warheads."

Stan raised an eyebrow

"And the knowledge of a subspace beacon that is used to direct ships to and from the planet automatically. Now we don't know it's location but we know it exists but to find the location we need a level three passkey or higher but max has only been able to disable level two and down.

Danalov smiled "Would a class 2 base administrators key work."

"You have one?" Excitement in his voice.

"Yes and I believe the leader of a class 2 base and above has a level 4 access pass."

Danalov saw this as a bargaining and Jake knew it.

"Ok then what do you want for it."

"Well firs-

Sven interrupted Danalov

"Danalov just give him the key … if we're going to get off this planet we need to trust each other. We are in no position to barter. They hold the base."

Danalov frowned.

Jake had new respect for Sven

"You show great wisdom Sven … very well do we have a deal?"

"On one condition we are given our freedom."

This was not an ideal condition for this situation but the stern look in his eyes told him he wouldn't take no for an answer.

"Very well you may have your freedom. But you must sleep with us, like us and if there is any trouble we will capture you again."

"Very well you have a deal"


	6. Chapter 6

Hey guys (and gals) sorry I haven't introduced myself before ... I am a Muffin ... Yes a Writing muffin.

Anyway this is my first fanfic and i am really enjoying writing it ... my good friend Lost Guy helped me write the first chapter and i thank him for that.

Anyway I just wanted to thank you for reading this far into it and I really hope you will comment on my story as feed back and advise is greatly appreciated. I will try and answer all comments respectfully and curiously.

Thank you enjoy reading my ridiculous fanficion that is the exact comedy styling of a muffin

Kind regards -

Uuuuh_muffins

Chapter 6: The First Night Camp

Jake himself walked the four humans down the stairs explaining the camp rules as they went, also going a tour of the camp on the way down. Sven noticed something he didn't before, the polished shine and glisten of glass and unobtainium.

"Why is there unobtainum in here?" Sven remarked. "I thought you guys didn't use the stuff?"

"Remember the two humans that remained here…. Well they have permanent residence here." Later explaining the airlock setup they had here.

The four humans we're returned their weapons. Jake didn't care if they had them, it would be suicide to try anything here. As Danalov was returned his weapon, he fingered his weapon anxiously. Sven lightly touching his hand to say, _don't do it. _Stan was more than happy to get Mr. Capsicles. So happy he had a flashback to his 12th birthday.

*flashback*

"OMG, OMG, THANK YOU DAD, A BB GUN."

"You're welcome son, just don't shoot yourself in the he- … head…"

A flying watermelon eats his pet duck

*sdvjhdrfbvkjdrhk*

_Ahhh good times! _ Stan thought.

Stan's flamethrower was returned as well Jaime's key to the chopper (even though it was worthless) but she did receive a small 'personal item' she kept in her pocket.

"Max and Norm will return from the base at nightfall. They will return to the base in the morning … maybe there you can find what you're searching for … else all I can give you is a place to stay."

Jake's statement made them feel uneasy about his promise … but at least they had free reign in Jake's territory.

"So what do we do while we wait." Jaime said eyeing some male Na'vi.

"Whatever you feel like … as long as it's within our rules." Ending with a harsh word in his voice. "Now there's someone I want you, to meet."

The five of them excluding the guards walked slowly down the stairs some more, guards carefully holding onto Stan making sure he doesn't go for a slide. Getting to the bottom of the hometree, they headed to the east side of the hometree into a small room containing a single female Na'vi.

"You four, meet Tee'ja."

Everyone instantly recognised her as the Na'vi they chased into the fog.

Tee'ja recognised them too, she filled with rage wishing to rip them open and scatter their entrails for animals to feed on, but instead she remained calm and respectful.

"Tee'ja has agreed to help us accomplish our task"

She just stared at all four of them, desperate to slash out her knife.

"If I did not owe my life to Olo'eyktan Jake, I would have killed you were you stand."

The tension was high in this room. Danalov was twitching his fingers…. As was Tee'ja. Stan Just ran up to her and hugged her leg.

"YAY! A FRIEND!" becoming childish again.

Tee'ja freaked.

"What in Eywa's name are you doing! You were trying to kill me!"

"FrieeeeeeeeennnnnnnnnddddSH!" hugging tighter rubbing up and down her leg.

Now this really disgusted the four humans and made Jake cringe.

"I would push him off it I was you ... he gets a little 'excited' sometimes." Sven said.

Tee'ja pushed and pushed but to no avail until a guard came up and suggested she strangle him. She was more than happy to oblige.

She choked him but it took a little longer than usual to get him to stop hugging her leg. After he'd let go she felt happy she'd agreed to go along with this. Chances to strangle humans made her smile inside.

"Everybody good now?" Jake asked. Still 30 seconds after Stan was still gasping for air. "Ok? Well then let's go"

Stan stumbled after the now moving Na'vis.

They moved outside into the refreshing sun.

"Now..." Jake said. "You will have to catch your own food and sleep in our beds as said before. Unless you can convince Norm or Max to let you stay in their rooms. Tee'ja will help you with hunting and gathering and we have found a multitude of plants safe for the human body but... some of them make you have other 'issues'... but they are highly nutritious, but that's your decision if you eat the plants or not. Now you two will be sleeping in one hammock and your two in the other.

Stan and Danalov looked at each other.

"Oh Fuck."

Jaime and Sven looked at each other

"Jake can I sleep with you?" Jaime's smile giving him the creeps.

"Have fun guys." Said Jake as he walked off chuckling to himself.

Jaime and Stan stayed behind at the home tree while Sven and Danalov went hunting with Tee'ja. The two blokes were talking the entire way through the forest complaining about their bunk mates but not willing to switch. Tee'ja stayed ahead of the two men keeping an eye out for prey they would all eat together as companions.

"Shhhh!" Tee'ja piped up, signalling to the front of her. A young angtsìk (hammerhead titanothere) was in front of them grazing.

Danalov smiled. He was prepared this time.

Running towards the angtsìk, he screamed, blaring his weapon, firing his ak-74. The Animal screamed in rage and charged towards the tiny human.

Something you should know about Danalov is he is not a muscular man but instead of building muscles he builds stamina and agility as in this world you will always be out muscled.

Charging head on towards the angtsìk he flicked the pin out of a phosphorus charge and started to run even harder, looking at the timer dial on the charge countdown fast. His life was getting short and shorter. Finally he lobbed the charge at the beast leaving it sticking to the top of his mouth just in time to roll out of the way before flames engulfed the beast causing it to breath in the toxic flames scorching his lungs. In seconds the beast was dead.

Danalov walked back casually to the others. There was a look of terror and shock on the companion Na'vi's face.

"You may say your prayer now." He said with no respect.

Even though she knew he was insulting her, she did it anyway to ask Eywa for forgiveness.

The only question now was how they would get the young beast back to camp. In short they couldn't. They couldn't use trees to roll it back as pandoran tree's were not like any trees on earth and they left their radios back at the hometree, so they couldn't ask Norm and Max for help as they passed over (now knowing the channel they used). So simply they ended up cutting what they needed and taking it back to the camp bit by bit, also telling other Na'vi about the catch along the way.

This went on for many hours and they eventually got half the beast back to camp, more than enough for what they needed. In the morning another hunting party would go out and collect the remains, as some of the organs of this beast can be used in medicine. When the two humans and the Na'vi finally sat down Norm and Max were already talking to Jaime and Stan... Max was a big fan of Stan as Max himself loved to talk technology with the massively insane officer. Norm and Jaime on the other hand were flirting...

"Oh my fucking god!" Danalov facepalmed.

Sven rushed up to Jaime and grabbed her by the ear and yelled "What the fuck do you think you're doing! I WILL NOT LET YOU DEFLOWER THIS MAN!"

"What's wrong honey, I know you want me but you don't own me. If you did you should have put a ring on it." Annoying Sven with a line from his least favourite music artist.

Sven let go of her ear. "Just don't toy with his heart and hope to dear god you use a condom."

"Oh I won't." She said running away with Sven chasing after her itching to use his flame thrower. Eventually he stopped running and sat down next to Danalov who was awkwardly sitting with Na'vi around a campfire.

"Finally someone I can talk to. They're all giving me death stares."

They all could understand English and they stared harder.

Sven grabbed a stick and put a piece of angtsìk meat on the end and started cooking it over the fire. Danalov was the only one not relaxed, one of the reasons why the Na'vi were staring at him so hard.

"Hey Danalov, why don't you put your gun in your hammock, I think that's why their staring."

Danalov looked at the AK in his lap and sighed "ok." He left and climbed the staircase to his hammock.

15 minutes after he left, a Na'vi spoke to Sven. "Thank you ... weapons make us nervous... irayo (thank you)"

After that it was silence, and he cooked in peace until Danalov got back in which they started to talk. The Na'vi didn't stare after that, they were nervous and the humans could tell but they were as accepting as they could be after the massacre at the old home tree. At least they all enjoyed the meat

Finally Sven and Danalov decided to hit the sack. Walking past Stan who was still up but this time telling random stories to the Na'vi children who were laughing their heads off.. but something was wrong ... HE WAS SPEAKING IN NA'VI!" but this made sense as he used to be a Avatar user. Sven wondered where his Avatar got to.

Walking up the stairs together Danalov stopped half was up and said. "Well this is my spot. I'll see you later." Sven walked upstairs to the top floor and through a door next to Jakes carving room and onto a branch and into a hammock where a small pile of filters and a small rack for weapons were laying. He lay down and looked into the sky dreaming of finally going home to earth. He rolled to the side and looked through the small holes in the leaf out onto the glowing landscape and the deserts of the red fog. He slowly drifted to sleep

Meanwhile Stan was walking up the stairs to his hammock with Danalov. Tired and getting a bit jumpy he stumbled up the stairs. Still not breathing properly, he fell into his hammock with Danalov ... Sleep took hold of him and he snuggled up to Danalov and started kissing him like his teddy bear. Danalov woke up!

"Oh my fucking god!"


	7. Chapter 7

Welcome to another hideous chapter of my fanfic ... Enjoy

Chapter 7: Base Class 1

Stan woke to see a very calm Jaime walking out of the glass airlock with a dressing gown and a avocado mask on with a gas mask on top. Stan stood there and stared ... Jaime winked. Next came Norm out of the room removing the tie from the sliding door.

"Errrrr" was all Stan could say.

Sven on the other hand woke up with the image of Max beside him sucking his thumb.

"GAH WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING HERE!"

This woke Max with a jolt. "There was a tie on the door."

Sven facepalmed. "... oh god no!"

Danalov was the only one in bed as he couldn't sleep all night with Stan dry humping him. And he was too nervous to sleep in another Na'vi's Hammock. So he stayed awake all night deciding to tag along with the guards. They didn't like this until he explained his situation. Then they sympathised. Now he was asleep with the sun beaming down on his body giving him wicked sunburn everywhere.

The three awake humans where being briefed by Jake about what had to be done. Basically in a nutshell what they had to do was go back to the base and type in the level 4 key and find the location of the base ... the Na'vi would take care of the rest and in return they would do all in their power to help them off Pandora. Tee'ja would tag along to the base to make sure they didn't try any funny stuff. Jake thought about coming as well but he was needed with the other Na'vi here at the hometree.

It was simple enough and they got the better deal ... as the Na'vi would do all the work. The tricky bit now would be waking up Danalov and explaining it to the incoherent Russian soldier.

But after three hours of trying to wake him up, he stumbled down the stairs only to fall into the slide and hit 4 Na'vi children on the way down. Stan did the same only to hit both Danalov and 12 extra Na'vi children causing a pile up at the bottom.

"SOOOO worth it!" Stan cried. The Na'vi Children loved it and decided to do it again but the two men had to leave to the disappointment of Stan.

Walking to the far west (with norm and Max) of the clan's forrest they came across a large quarry used to mine the unobtainium and to the north of this particular settlement was a small base containing a small amount of medical equipment, a helipad and heavy duty filters.

"Inside that structure is a box of heavy duty filters," Norm stated " they're mainly used in the mines due to the higher concentration of toxins but I found they last 30% longer in normal conditions, so ... grab as many as you want. Max'll get the chopper started."

"Can I help?" Jaime asked. "I'm a fully trained pilot."

"Sure!" Max said, throwing the keys at her. "I hate flying, I'm no good."

"You're better than me!" Norm laughed.

So as the others and a zombified Danalov prepared some long use filters, Jaime and Max prepared a chopper and the 7 companions set off to the main base.

The journey took a while and Sven was hungry. _God I wish I had some Jerky. _Stan must have read his mind.

"Pandorian mystery meat, my dear Lady." Trying to smooch the backing away Sven. Tee'ja punched Stan. Sven was stunned at this act of 'kindness'

"thanks"

*grunt*

The trip was quite uneventful other than having a few massive bugs hit the windscreen. Finally at about 2 pm they landed smoothly at the helm of Jaime ... who for obvious reasons was not trying to rape anyone ;) .

It felt comforting to be on the ground again and for the four leftovers the feeling of being home ... for the others it was a place of sadness and hate.

"Well let's get on with this." Norm requested. "Please Tee'ja feel free to help yourself to anything from the Avatar section." This was little comfort for the saddened Na'vi.

Walking from the empty helipad surrounded by the left over choppers, hoverjets and gunships, they entered through a base side door ... Max pressed a few buttons and air flooded the air lock and they entered into the empty dusty aircraft control room.

"This way please." Max requested. Leading them through the hallways to the old administrator's office (not to be confused with the head of SecOps [that ass])

"Now please type in your password so we can get you home." Although he said this he just wanted the na'vi to rest easy.

He logged in with a guest account and clicked on 'Restricted Files (Guest access)' A terms and agreements page popped up he scrolled to the bottom explaining this is where it lists you need a security key. Finally they got to an input box where it asked for a Users security key. This was where Danalov decided to take over. Sitting down at the computer he rolled out a piece of paper and typed in the 256 long Alpha-numeric key code. After a lifetime later and two retries a screen popped up that welcomed Mr. Daniel Tell, the administer of their base. Norma and Max gleamed, Max requesting the chair Danalov was sitting on.

Within minutes Max found exactly what they needed to destroy, the subspace beacon that directed all ships to Pandora.

"WE FOUND IT, WE FOUND IT!" He said jumping up and down. Things got awkward real fast.

"Um, yeah, sorry. We should tell Jake we found it." He said embarrassed

"Hey what about our ride off this planet, That could be the only way." Danalov exclaimed.

"Oh," Max said regretting his enthusiasm further. "Well i can search for more files now that i have higher clearance." He said while printing a map of the area off. Max closed down the file and entered the search option again.

"spacecraft, spacecraft, spacecraft." He muttered to himself. "Oh you're in luck all of them have taken off, all except one located ... OH." He smiled "The location of the space beacon." He gleamed "Well it's looks like you'll be getting off Pandora sooner than expected. We'll destroy the beacon and you can have the ship."

"Good!" Sven gleamed happily.

"Only issue is it seems to be deep underground and it has no vericle take off abilities ... it seems it's meant to be lifted by aircraft. It also needs a runway ... hmmmm" At this news Max started to think. "I think we can get a few clans to help us lift it out. I think they'd be very willing when they learn there's four more humans on Pandora." Max started to whisper. "They really REALLY Hate you ... but anyway let's get back and tell them the good news. Printing off more papers then running out the door.

Tee'ja was trying a bed. _Hmmm ... comfy._ She thought.

"Tee'ja!" Norm yelled. "We're leaving"

She couldn't be happier. She instantly got in the chopper buckled in and pointed to the controls ordering them to take off. No one really cared, they all got what they wanted. So sitting in the cockpit Jaime started up the engines and headed back to the home tree.

Arriving at the Quarry, they started heading east back to the hometree everyone was in high spirits, especially Max. Arriving back at the hometree, they revealed the exploits of the day, everyone was pretty chill and Jake agreed to bring the ship back with the party sent to destroy the beacon.

The Next five day's were going to be peaceful.

They were going home.

Next Chapter:

Chapter 8: Preparations for the 5 Days of Pain


	8. Chapter 8

I was next to a girl called Jaime when i wrote this ... and accidentally explained my Jaime ... Whoops :P

***

Chapter 8: Preparations for the 5 Days of Pain

The night was spent in celebration. The gatherers collected a purple and yellow leaf, sniffing the nice smelling leaf as they went along. The hunters on the other hand made a delicious jerky, although it tasted like raw Thanator behind, the humans could eat it.

Everyone sat around the campfire laughing about the future that lay ahead of them. The Na'vi got high off purple leafs,the humans ate crappy jerky.

Soon enough the night became late and they all scattered to their respective beds and drifted to sleep … that was everyone except the humans, who stayed up and talked about the world. Sitting around the campfire they shared their experiences of what it was like to be on Pandora for them. Norm and Max shared their version of the events that led up to the evacuation of Pandora by the humans and the four others shared what they had been doing for the past three or four months. Stan's was particularly interesting as it involved a talking rock, a dog made from cheese and Danalov in a tutu.

Instead of getting upset this caused everyone to laugh like a maniac. It could be the old filters in their masks or the humidity in the air from the tea but everybody was having a good time.

Danalov had another sleepless night as Stan kept rolling on top of him but Sven slept better than he had in years. Jaime was in Norm's room again but this time not doing the heebie jeebie.

Everything was peaceful. As the humans slept Jake prepared his warriors and Max's students for travel to the other clans and to destroy the beacons. By the time day hit Sven had walked downstairs to see Danalov straping his AK-74 to his chest.

"What are you doing Dan?" Sven asked the soldier packing thermite charges in his bag.

"Going with them, that's what!" He yelled "I can't sleep with Stan humping me all the time." Danalov's face went dark. "Sorry I shouldn't take it out on you. Anyway Jake has asked me to be a representative to the four of us, and since I've been up I've learnt a bit about Na'vi culture from Jake. Sooooo … I'll be seeing you in five days with the spacecraft."

Danalov didn't seem too good, he seemed distant and weird. Sven watched him for a while as he packed grenades and a little C4 … at this point he seemed to be packing rather heavy. When Sven asked why he merely said he was in charge of demolitions, even though he was never trained in the field.

So as sunset hit the Na'vi demolition and infiltration party headed out with Danalov on the back of an ikran (Mountain Banshee).

As the night hit the five remaining humans ate what was left of the jerky, that for some reason started to give them a tingling sensation in their bowels. Within an hour of finishing, the urge to sleep took over and to bed they went.

The morning came the next day, everyone was well rested this time and decided to go with Max and Norm back to the base and see what they could pick up to make their day's more 'fun'. Entering the same way they did before they this time went for a quick search around the complex finding what they've been dreaming about their entire military careers.

"THE MOTHER LOAD!"

Stan's eyes widened as they found the motherstash… the place all contraband went after a certain time. They found everything from Pot to 90% Russian Vodka. Stan dived into a pile of adult magazines.

"YES, YES, YES, YES, YES"

Sven was wide eyed he didn't know what to do with this glorious stash. Soon Jaime, Max and Norm walked in to see what all the commotion was about.

"SWEET MOTHER OF EYWA" Max stared.

Jaime stared, Norm stared.

Norm smiled "Let's get drunk!"

9 hours passed

"Andsh manwhilez at zee shtation I was like … you don't own those poenguinsjhz"

Everybody cracked up at Stan's joke.

"HEHEHE god we're high" Max was flying around like a bird.

Everyone laughed harder.

"BEWBS!" Sven yelled.

Everyone passed out from lack of oxygen.

They woke up one hour later a little less high.

"*hick* I think we should sleep now … BUT AFTER BROWNIES"

Everybody screamed in delight at Svens idea.

"EVERYBODY TO THE KITCHEN!" Pointing to the door.

Everybody ran to the kitchen and into the deep freeze looking for pre-made brownies…. They found a crate.

The next 4 hours were spent eating brownies until everyone had food-babies.

"*hick* We should get back to the hometree" Norm said.

"Noooosh, I'm too drunk to fly and shoooe are you." Jaime replied.

"Urrrrgghhh" Sven threw up "We're sleeping here tonight."

And so they slept … most of them couldn't be bothered going to bed except Jaime and Norm who slept in Miles Quaritch's room. … He would be rolling in his grave if he found out what they were doing there

By 12 pm they we're all up and all had hangovers. The chopper ride back was headcrunching, not to mention they had to carry back everything they took form the contraband room … Tee'ja and Neytiri were waiting for the soldiers and the scientists, angry looks on their faces.

"You did not come home. We sent a search party." Neytiri angrily said.

"Uhhhh, not so loud … we were at the base just having some fun." Norm replied.

"Then why did you not reply to when our warriors knocked on the base?"

"We … were drunk.."

"What is drunk?"

"Uhhhh … like the tea of the purple leaf but without the weird colours."

"Oh … well next time send us a message." She said storming off.

Tee'ja just remained there with her arms crossed "Well let's go hunting, we we're meant to go yesterday I want see what you can do."

The sun and tainted oxygen in their masks was making the headaches worse but they did promise to go hunting.

"Shhhh, viperwolfs. Raising her bow."

"I got this!" Stan just stood up from undercover and walked into the open … noticing instantly the viperwolves started to bare their teeth and charge at him …. Punch in the nose … he continued to walk … another lunges… punch… there is one directly in front of him ready to bite … lifts tail … plants grenade, pin pulled. Runs away. The viperwolf was screaming in pain … the others run to help it …. BOOOOM … It rains flesh.

"lunch's up guy's"

"Oh god!" Tee'ja needed to do a lot of praying after this.

The third day was spent resting their heads and the forth was spent helping around the hometree for the celebration of peace.

The destruction of the beacon would mean another 20 years before humans would try to get back to Pandora as long range travel get's more difficult.

The fifth day came … and it was getting late …. The party should return at any point with the ship and the remains of the beacon.

But they did not come …. A nervousness spread throughout the camp as it was nearing midnight … as one am hit a single ikran was seen soaring through the sky, carrying a single injured Na'vi and a human on board.

Crash landing

"SOMEONE HELP US JAKE'S HURT" Danalov screamed at the top of his lungs.

Jake was disconnected from the ikran and carried through to the hometree.

"They're dead … all dead … I was the only one left .. because …" He wiped his face. "I'm FUCKING HUMAN!" Danalov broke down.

Things got serious.


End file.
